I thought it would never happen to me. That I would never have to make a decision like this. It never crossed my mind.  I'm not ashamed to tell you I messed up. Most people just discuss the girl. But what about the boy? For months, I hated myself. I couldn't stand the sight of me in the mirror. I held it together okay in front of people, but late in the midnight hour, I was in pain. This is for the young people because I want you to know that I am human. I haven't always been saved. I haven't always been a preacher. I have however, always been human. Subject to error, subject to frailties.

by Neil Brown

This essay is for the young people. The young people who trust their parents, trust their teachers, trust their friends. The young people who want everything out of life, The young people who want to be successful and equate success with money rather than character. Status symbols rather than integrity. This essay is for those who feel like the unthinkable can never happen to them but instead to the other person who “looks” like it shouldn't happen to them either, but it did. Up till now, I've written about a couple of things that matter to me because I feel like the congregation deserves a better look at its preachers. I feel that many of you just don't think that we're real people. We are. We have experiences just like you do. We have the good, the bad and the ugly.

I thought it would never happen to me. That I would never have to make a decision like this. It never crossed my mind and I thought that I was being more careful. I thought that I had all my ducks in a row, all my “I's” dotted and my “T's” crossed. And when I got the phone call from my girlfriend, I had no idea that it would change my life forever. She was late. She was scared. She was hoping she was wrong. But, alas, she wasn't. She was... pregnant.

I couldn't even take care of myself.

How was I supposed to take care of a girlfriend and child? I couldn't rub two nickels together. I couldn't wrap my mind around it. We had been so careful. But one particular night, we had gotten wrapped in the heat of the moment. Forgotten about protocol, forgotten about STD's, forgotten about our futures and lived a period of suspended animation where nothing mattered at the time but her and I, and our love for one another. And I did love her. Deeply. Without question. Undeniably. I loved her, I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. We were already engaged. We had discussed children, but not this soon, not in nine months, not right now. And especially not while I'm working at McDonald's! Ain't no way!

This was my failure... asking her to abort. Asking her to give up what we'd made together, what we conceived in one night of pure passion. How could one night make a difference? How could one night so magical become a nightmare? My failure... I shirked responsibility. I gave up something I should've kept. I gave up love without giving it a chance to let its heart beat. I gave up love without giving it a chance to grow. I gave up love before it took its first breath. My failure... My regret...

Most people just discuss the girl. But what about the boy? For months, I hated myself. I couldn't stand the sight of me in the mirror. I held it together okay in front of people, but late in the midnight hour, I was in pain. I was afraid to sleep because I kept hearing a baby crying in the night for its “daddy”. I hated going to the mall, I kept seeing parents with their kids. They were happy. I intentionally walked into the baby department of stores and wondered what could've been. What level of contribution would I have made to society? What would my son or daughter have become? Would I have made a good father, a good daddy?

Even now I think about it from time to time. I have great admiration and respect for those who choose life. You mean the world to me. Even if I've never met you. I would love to hear how one little person who depends on you for everything changed your life. I would love to hear your story. I would love to hear how you learned to change your first diaper, and how wrong I was! I denied myself opportunity to mold something. I wish sometimes that I could get it back, but it passed. I wish I could've had the night with cold and the fever and no sleep, but still got to go to work because I'm motivated to do it for my child. But it passed.

Now I understand why God gave me youth ministry. He took the one thing I gave up and multiplied it over and over. I have a chance to help others with my experience, my failure, my regret... I refuse to see another young person make the wrong mistake. DO NOT EVER think for a minute that I'm promoting sex before marriage! I believe in morals and family values more now than ever before. But should you happen to fall, get up dust yourself off and start again. Don't take the easy way out like I did. It opened more issues for me to deal with later. It's worth you handling your responsibility.

And for that reason, this essay is for the young people. I'm not ashamed to tell you I messed up. This is for the young people because I want you to know that I am human. I haven't always been saved. I haven't always been a preacher. I have however, always been human. Subject to error, subject to frailties. But I'm still here, I'm still ministering, I'm still living. I have many more mistakes to make. Hopefully they won't have the impact that this did. It's been over 17 years now.

I understand why God gave me ministry to young people. So that I can still make a difference. So that I could still declare that He does know what He's doing. So, you're not the only one with deep dark secrets, I have them, too. But my failure, will become my testimony. My failure will become my triumph. My failure. My regret. My triumph. My life. My God.

Neil M. Brown
30 November 2003
holla@neilbrown.org
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