If your child wants to do something bad enough, they will find a way. Things that are expressly forbidden become fruit we deem to be real tasty. It's like a dangling a carrot; we will chase it until we can catch it, taste it, eat it and digest it. It is critical then parents that if you tell your child no, that you explain to your child why. God is only as real to your kids as your testimony.

by Neil Brown

It happened one summer in July. Her mother's bedroom, her mother's bed, in fact. I lost my innocence, my purity, and my virginity. Not that I had such a tough time at it, but, every warm blooded boy wants to say goodbye to his boyhood; and is in a hurry to do so. People think that because I'm a minister, I have never made a mistake; like I've been a- goody-two-shoes all of my life. Nothing could be further from the truth. I'm a regular guy with regular experiences. I do hold a few regrets about some things in my past, but in order for me to deflower the perfect image I seem to have, let me tell you... She was my third girlfriend. We had been dating for a few months. We had gotten further each time we got together. Kissing to touching to petting to foreplay to oral to actual intercourse. What? I'm not ashamed to tell you. I did it, and I admit that I did it. I had pre-marital sex and I had a lot of it with this girl. Her mother would buy me condoms and allow it to happen in the house. She lived across the street from me in one of the cul-de-sacs. It was easy to sneak out. Wait until mom and dad were sound asleep and snoring, slip right out the front door and go across the street, come back in the wee hours of the morning; and no one is the wiser. I admired her mother. She knew what we were doing upstairs and downstairs. And she figured that maybe it was easier to embrace the fact that her teenage daughter was having sex with her boyfriend. And rather than let us go sneaking around to hotel rooms and lookout point, she figured she would offer her house.

And so, she sat down and spoke with us together in a frank discussion that I never would've gotten with my parents, she spilled out her expectations. Expectations that we would later violate, but she was upfront and honest. I wouldn't do it now, in hindsight, but it was a plan at the time. What teenage boy wouldn't want to have sex in the house of his girlfriend, and the mother is somewhere in the house knowing what's going on? That's a safe environment!

This lady understood that if we really wanted to have sex, we would find a way. And this is probably what shaped my ideas about sex. It was difficult at first, knowing that she was there. But, she'd offer sodas and dinner; a particular favorite of mine was spaghetti and catfish. I had a lot of dinner over there. My mother didn't always approve of this relationship. And so we decided to keep both of my parents out of the loop. We used to call mom “the warden” because she was so strict with me. There were times when she said no to going across the street. And it seemed stupid, but this is what you deal with as a teenager; thinking that mom and dad just don't get it.

But in hindsight, I realize that my parents loved me immensely and were not afraid to go to extremes to make sure that I was protected and sheltered and disciplined. I'm glad I had this type of upbringing it saved me from the craziness of the world around me. But the point that I'm trying to make parents is this: that if your child wants to do something bad enough, they will find a way. Things that are expressly forbidden become fruit we deem to be real tasty. It's like a dangling a carrot; we will chase it until we can catch it, taste it, eat it and digest it. It is critical then parents that if you tell your child no, that you explain to your child why. I know some of you think you are not accountable to your child in this way, but it is a matter of opening the lines of communication. One of the main reasons that young people fall into temptation is because parents are too embarrassed to talk to their children about their failures and experiences. Take the time ya'll it is well worth it later..

Reflection and Introspection: Teens tend to do this after the fact rather than before.

Had my parents taken the time to discuss certain issues with me,

not just sex, what about balancing a checkbook, paying my bills on time, the real importance of credit and saving money; had I had these discussions, I wouldn't have had to learn by trial and error. I still may have made mistakes in these areas, but what if that would've made the difference in my decision making process? What if I had taken the time to think twice about some of the things that I'd done? Just remembering a simple talk with my parents. It is molding and shaping. It is crafting and putting on finishing touches. Making sure that when your child leaves your household, that they will not be culture shocked by the things you refused to expose them too. Do not let your child run buck wild at the first opportunity. Open your mouth and talk to your child. Sit down and have a meal with them. Have family time. Have mom and child or dad and child time. I turned out to be okay after all; but that's because of prayers and supplication on my behalf. Somebody interceded for me. I had folks to pull me aside and tell about life's real deal. I didn't get everything, but I got something, and that helped.

So the real issue about my sex life— you don't really want the gory details. The bottom line is for you is that you want to know what do I think about all of this now right? Okay here goes.

I believe that your child could be possibly having sex. And at this day and age, there are two things that will save your life: the bible and condoms. And please, please, please put some thought into the Bible you give them. Buying them whatever King James Version is on sale for $9.99 and tossing it at them is thoughtless and ultimately damaging to your purpose. The KJV is virtually impenetrable to a teen, and your indifference only reinforces the idea, for them, that God is an ancient, dusty relic. There are lots of fine teen Bibles out there. Take the time to find one that fits your kid. Then, don't just hand it to them, read it WITH them. Show them around God's word, help them to see His word is vivid and alive and it will take root in their hearts.

I believe that parents should tell you about their life and times. And I do mean all of the embarrassing stuff that you don't want anybody to know. If you were a teenage parent, tell them. If you had an STD, tell them. Let's protect our children. We can only do that with information and the sharing of our experiences with them. You cannot tell them your secrets after they do the same thing you do and realize the consequences after it's too late. Let's not do that to our children anymore. They should be able to talk to us about anything. There are things that shock young people too. We need to be able to help them identify things that do not line up with the word of God, which means that we need to know the word of God for ourselves.

If you really want to protect your children, then you should make sure your relationship with God is the priority in your life. That you are consistent, in church and out of it. God is only as real to your kids as your testimony. If they never see you pray, if you never pray with and for them, if you have no daily devotion, if your spiritual life is shaky or even shady, you can't possibly expect to be a moral beacon for them. If you have spent fifteen years abandoning them to the television, then those are the values you have imparted to them— the world's values. The world that is more concerned with biology than spirituality. That speaks of relationships rather than responsibility and self-discipline. If you've done that, you need to pray for the best but gird yourself for the worst.

The word of God tells us to be workmen that are able to rightly divide the word because if you can rightly divide, you can also wrongly divide it. We need to pray regularly. We need to read and study regularly. We need to share what we've gleaned regularly so that our children can have a firm foundation built on the chief cornerstone.

God can and will forgive us for being bad parents, but the damage is done. Forcing your kids into a model of prudish behavior after the act is a general waste of time. Your inconsistency has undermined your efforts to keep them pure. So, now, you can choose to put on blinders and pretend the problem does not exist (the solution far too many of our black churches employ these days— there is, literally, no teaching on sex or sexuality in our youth program), or you can seek God to reveal Himself fully in their lives while being practical and responsible about what you know— and you do know— your child is doing.

Please do not take any of this to mean that I condone sex before marriage, because I do not. I prefer to see young folks take this major step carefully and cautiously (and only after college, by the way). Furthermore, I'd prefer that you not have sex at all until you're married period. Make sure that you marry for love and not for sex or because it seems easier for the tax bracket. But, the fact is, even the most moral and obedient and sincere child is tempted, each and every day, to have sex. Tempted by other teens, tempted by peers, tempted by adults. If your teen has Internet access, she HAS seen images of people having sex. It really is that simple. Things you were perhaps sheltered from if only because you had to go to a store and buy a magazine are free and readily and aggressively available online. and the entire world is a wired place, now.

From the moment they wake up and turn on the radio, your kids are bombarded, all day, with sounds and images of people talking about sex, wanting sex, needing sex, idolizing sex, dressing sexy, looking sexy, brightening their teeth so they can have sex, flattening their stomachs or enlarging their breasts so they can have sex. Sex, in this world, equals money and because of that, it's big business to get your kid to lose their virginity. Fat kids with nappy hair and bad breath probably aren't going to have as much sex as skinny kids with ultra-bright teeth and the latest cell phone. This is evil. Evil. It's war, a war we are losing because we are too scared of ourselves to get into the fight. Shame on the parents too terrified or embarrassed to save their own child, and shame on the church that has no programs, no information, no support for teens during this, the most critical times of their lives.
We must do better. We simply have to do better than this.

Neil M. Brown
1 July 2004
holla@neilbrown.org
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