God has allowed me to purge my pain. It has been through tears and frustration, exhaustion and fatigue that I can truly tell you that I am free from some of the emotions that have been a hard lesson in life. I'm a work in progress and trying to still figure something out, among them, how to let some people in and let down my guard. You'll have to bear with me, it isn't easy to try this again. But my life is worth it, and it is worth living. Why should I die when somebody died for me already? Suicide, not the answer, but a closed door. You can't overcome the problem if you don't face it. Suicide, not an answer, but you running and not wanting to see resolution. I'm a conqueror, you can be too, just pick a different ending.

by Neil Brown

I punched through the window on the side of the front door secretly hoping that it would all be over. I had succeeded except for one or two layers of skin, as I would discover later. Blood was everywhere. I had been taken home to change clothes in order to appear in a school assembly. The Assistant Principal didn't like the dress down look and figured that I was unaware of the assembly, and she was right. Dad was working the night shift, so I knew that he was home sleeping. But the wind was really hard that day, and he had locked the screen door so that it wouldn't open anymore and disturb his slumber. I couldn't get in. Not through the garage, not through the back door, not through a window. And so, all of the aggression and all of my problems with my self-esteem surfaced and all of my frustrations and all of my fears came up and I, tired of trying to get in, punched a hole through glass and decided to brush my arm against its jagged edges. Wasn't all that painful either, it was more of a “poke” I suppose. I knew what was happening the entire time.

I will say that if I recall correctly, I have spent most of my time trying to get in. I have tried to “fit in", in a variety of areas and places. I tried in school to fit in with the jocks, I wasn't able. I tried with the preppies, that didn't work. I tried with the “smart kids” and that was a joke. I tried with adults, and that didn't — still doesn't work. Then I tried God, and that worked... in fact, is still working. I found, if I could borrow from the cliché, I found in Him a resting place, and He has made me glad.

Jagged Edges: Not the answer. No relief, and no way back.

I've had a lot of jagged edges,

Things that make you lose hope in yourself and in humanity. Somehow I slipped through the cracks. And while I look okay on the outside, the inside has been through personal turmoil and tragedy. Suicide is the real deal, and it's not easy to beat. I haven't felt the pain in a real long time, but somebody needs to know that I understand your pain. When it feels like nobody around you cares or pays attention. When your feelings are hurt for no good reason and you play it off as a joke and join in the joking attacking your own self. When you participate in certain “behaviors” just to get a rise out of people. When you do what is “expected” of you and don't feel like it. When you do the right thing because that's what your home training dictates. When you get home late at night and the shades are drawn and you are crying out for help with nobody answering. While you are depressed and moody and can't figure out why. Or even listening to the voices in your head that tell you all the negative things about you, even if they aren't true. Yeah, it's kinda like that.

Who do you reach out to? Who do you call? Everyone thinks you have a good head on your shoulders, but when you are by yourself, who cradles you in their arms and tells you everything is going to work out? Who whispers sweet nothings in your ears to make you feel you wanted and needed? Who defends you and tells others to leave you alone? Just who can you count on?

Suicide, the permanent solution to temporary problems? It takes more courage to live than to die from self-inflicted wounds. Jesus, as I would find out later, is the permanent solution to temporary problems. Jesus said I come that you might have life, and have it more abundantly. I had been hoping for others to validate me and make me feel secure. My security is not in friends, it is in the life that comes from Jesus the Christ.

Now, I know whatever happens in my life, I have one friend no matter what. I don't really have a large circle of friends in the first place. I limit myself to this enigmatic figure, full of complexities and not really letting anyone in anymore. And so, what I've discovered is that now people are trying to get in with me and it's not working. I'm not sure that I even know how to let people in at this point. Writing this series has been one of the most cleansing things I've ever been through aside from receiving salvation.

God has allowed me to purge my pain. It has been through tears and frustration, exhaustion and fatigue that I can truly tell you that I am free from some of the emotions that have been a hard lesson in life. I'm a work in progress and trying to still figure something out, among them, how to let some people in and let down my guard. You'll have to bear with me, it isn't easy to try this again. But my life is worth it, and it is worth living. Why should I die when somebody died for me already? Suicide, not the answer, but a closed door. You can't overcome the problem if you don't face it. Suicide, not an answer, but you running and not wanting to see resolution. I'm a conqueror, you can be too, just pick a different ending.

Neil M. Brown
11 February 2007
holla@neilbrown.org
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