People Who Should Go To Hell
We've All Got It Comin,' Kid
Sending people to hell isn't our job, or even God's. God doesn't send anyone to Hell. Hell is, simply, the only place in all of creation where God has withdrawn Himself, His presence, His holiness. It wasn't created for us, it was never intended for us. But it is the only place we can be where God Is Not. By rejecting God, by rejecting the salvation and the life He has freely offered us, we are choosing to be where God Is Not. It is not, by any means, God's preference or His choice for us. He demonstrated His choice for us by allowing His Son to die for us. God doesn't send us to Hell, we send ourselves there when we, in our arrogance, reject Him. Thus, this list, which I hope to swell to untold numbers, is, largely, satirical. Or, rather, that's my story and I'm sticking to it.
People who Phony pastors, mean pastors. The splash right behind them: arrogant, aggressive, pushy, nasty, mean-spirited “first” ladies. Anyone who starts a benediction / dismissal prayer with, “Lord, as we look back...” Keep it short, Jethro. We want to go home. Anyone who sings “This Little Light of Mine” like a funeral dirge. Church office folk who don't answer the phone, who don't check eMail, who never check the fax machine, and whose response is predicated upon how they “feel” about the person trying to contact the church. Churches who rush to help Katrina victims, chartering buses and racing across country to adopt entire families, paying all of their expenses for months on end while routinely ignoring faithful members who've fallen on hard times. Local businesses “reserving” open jobs for Katrina victims, denying those jobs to people who actually live here and need them. Katrina victims who act like jerks, mistreating people who are sacrificing to help them and/or scamming local churches and the government. Church folk who steal your Bible (no, I'm not making this up). Ministers who break their vows, bedding women in the congregation, fathering babies out of wedlock (or, worse, forcing abortions), cussing, drinking and otherwise making us all look like phonies. Thanks, pal. Whoever thought Giant Church Lady hats was a good idea. Pulpit committees and Deacons who assert their will over God's will; who conspire to appoint weak, un-anointed pastors so they can hang onto power. Grow up already. Deacons who think they're the pastor's boss. You've been watching too many reruns of Amen, Sherman. Read a Bible sometime. Church folk who viciously discriminate against homosexuals... until they need a musician or, say, a really nice hat. Church folk who assume everyone they don't like is a homosexual and spread rumors in an effort to destroy lives. I mean, how, exactly, does someone prove they're not gay? Insecure church folk. Only insecure people need to tear other folk down. It is impossible to know God and be insecure. If you do not know God, you are certainly on your way to hell. Anyone who uses the Bible as a weapon to oppress anyone. The Word of God liberates, not oppresses. Anyone who adds to or takes away from the Word of God to suit their agenda. Look, either believe all of it or leave it alone. This is serious; you've been warned [Rev. 22:19] Whoever trains the McDonald's girls to lay your French fries on their side in the bag, causing all the fries to fall out Guys who do not observe the Law of The Movie Theatre Buffer Seat Guys who do not observe the Law of Urinal Spacing People who do not observe the Uniform Code of ATM Distance People who go into the express lane with more than twelve items People who wait until the cashier rings up the total to BEGIN writing their check Women who have never worked a day in their lives, who have a wallet full of credit cards, a nice home, and new car, who have the @#$%&!! nerve to complain about anything at all ever Store clerks who make you wait while they help a customer on the phone Michael Jackson. Seriously. Enough with this guy already. People who use the fast food drive-through window to
place HUGE orders Women who force their men to trade in perfectly good Firebirds for beige minivans. Trust me, sister, your grave's already been dug. Women in minivans who bash into cars in mall parking lots because they're distracted by their stupid kids or stupid dogs or because they're talking on their stupid cell phones. These people are evil and must be stopped at all costs. Parents who bring small children to restaurants and do not bring the child anything to play with, expecting the child to sit quietly and enjoy the adult conversation while they sip coffee Pursuant to the above Restaurant Patrons who allow their toddlers to (a) run amok or (b) pound the table with a spoon or (c) throw food all over the floor and/or (d) cry incessantly Pursuant to the above Restaurant Patrons who allow their toddlers to (c) throw food all over the floor and then leave the waitress who has to clean all of that up a dollar tip. Church folk who complain about church services that go longer than an hour but who subsequently park their fat butts in front of the fried food buffet for hours and hours gossiping and stuffing themselves. Pursuant to the abovementioned Church Folk who tie up a restaurant table for three hours and longer and then leave a dollar tip. These girls make, like, two dollars an hour, but cheap Church Folk suck their teeth talking about, “Well, they just doin' they job.” Where oh where is the love of Christ Buffet patrons who allow their small children to serve themselves unattended, so the kids breathe and sneeze all over the food Restaurant managers who don't insist on tables being bussed immediately, forcing new patrons to be seated surrounded by filth Restaurant employees who spray disinfectant all over the
place while you're trying to eat People who do Number Two in friends' bathrooms, especially those little half-bathrooms just off the family room where everyone can hear you doing your business, other than as stipulated above People who do not flush public toilets, especially after having done the dreaded Number Two People who do not wash their hands after using the bathroom People who want to split the check evenly when they've downed several pints of beer and you've had the free-refill soda Women who wear so much perfume everyone around them is
choking on it Drivers who wait too long to merge People who let the above jerks back into line |
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People who insist OJ's jury acquitted him because he was black. Who insist these black jurors were too stupid to understand basic rules of evidence which, by any objective standard, required Simpson's acquittal, and should have gone with the, “We all know he did it” method, ignoring the evidence tampering and perjury by police detectives. OJ. We all know he did it. Telemarketers who consider 800 A.M. on a Saturday to be a great time to call you People who use “scare quotes” in “incorrect” “ways” People who burn books for any reason other than to keep themselves warm after a plane crash in the Andes Drivers who do not strap their young children in, so the kid is jumping around and waving to you out of the back of the minivan Drivers who leave their young children unattended in the car for any reason and for any amount of time at all Cops who tail you just for fun, making you nervous so that you now look nervous and they can pull you over. Meanwhile, these guys are nowhere to be found when the abovementioned minivan mommies are peeling around with their kids bouncing around the back seat. Drivers who are lost, looking for a street, driving really slow but won't get out of your way Non-commercial Ford Excursion owners in general. Especially women who drive huge SUV's because, “They make me feel safe,” but handle them as if they were Hyundai's, giving everybody they run up behind at a traffic light a freaking heart attack. SUV owners who follow too closely at night, blinding you with their monstrous headlights Anyone who ever turns their telephone answering machine off for any reason whatsoever (they never remember to turn them back on and, I mean, why turn them off ever?) People who insist on playing an endless sample of their favorite music on their telephone answerer greeting. Just get to the point already. People with call waiting who constantly interrupt conversations to take other calls, forcing Call Waiting Face-Offs. I just hang up. People with cheap cell phones that render them
unintelligible and constantly drop calls. I'd rather you
didn't call me at all. Men whose cell phones have extra-loud ringers that play Fur Elise or gay-sounding show tunes. Unless, of course, they happen to be gay, in which case, butch it up a little, already. Men, any men, who keep their cell phone ringer on in public places. Get a phone that vibrates. Parents, especially teenage mothers, who bring crying infants and fidgety too-small children to the movies People who insist on handling candy with loud cellophane wrappers in movie theaters People who spill their drinks, like every freaking time, at ball games and movie theaters People who continue to hold grudges after you've apologized People who go to the movies and chat through the entire show People who pronounce the word “been” as “bean” People who keep kicking your seat in movie theaters The idiot kids who work at movie theaters who always forget to turn the DTS surround sound on Parents who bring infants on airplanes. Sorry, it really sucks. If you absolutely must, at least have a plan for how to entertain and/or distract and/or manage your baby. Parents who allow their fidgety, too-small children to wreak havoc on airplanes, kicking the seats, “making friends” with passengers who are trying to sleep, and/or wandering the aisles— which could get them killed Passengers who bring strongly aromatic food onto planes or buses (lasagna, curry goat, etc.) People who use public toilets and can't manage to keep it inside the bowl Whoever invented the machine that calls you and then asks you to hold People who don't know the difference between “its” and “it's”. A specially hot place in hell is reserved for people who believe that “ its' ” is a real word. Owners and programmers of corporate fax machines that mistakenly have your home number and repeat dial at 2 AM Bono. Seriously: enough with this guy, already Public nose pickers. No exceptions. People who put their pets in the backs of pickup trucks and drive on busy streets People who let their dogs bark constantly outside your bedroom window and then get mad at you when you ask them to do something about it. People who put their children in the backs of pickup trucks and drive anywhere People who leave empty beer cans or bottles on playgrounds "Collectors” who buy toys and never take them out of the box Idiots at sporting events on cell phones who are apparently talking to someone at home watching the game on TV, because as soon as they pop into camera view they start bouncing and waving like regulars from the short bus Women who can't simply say, “no thanks,” but must tell you, in excruciating detail, why they won't go out with you Whoever turned Whitney Houston from America's Sweetheart (The Bodyguard, Waiting To Exhale) to Bobby's Crack Ho (Being Bobby Brown). Mothers who use BET as a babysitter. Idiot high school clerks who rack the Star Trek videos from #1 down, ensuring the new releases will always be on the floor-level shelf, forcing us rabid Trek fans to grovel on our hands and knees to see the new releases The girl pop dancing in the Mitsubishi Eclipse commercial. Seriously. Enough already. Retirees who get up at 7:30, congregate outside their homes and chat with the neighbors, oblivious to people who work nights. Anyone at all who starts a lawn mower before 10AM. Most anyone who owns or operates a wood chipper within a square mile of any residential area. With Special Thanks to: |
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